Unf*cking Myself

Just a change in mind frame can make the biggest difference. Won’t be easy all the time but we all start somewhere. After having a raging fail of not drinking, I woke up, had my pity party and put on my big girl panties. It was time to make a change and time to get my act together. Realizing that i was drinking the poison and expecting everyone else to feel the pain. Not the case, I was suffering, I was the one sad, depressed, and a little hung over.

After a snow day, a day of relaxing, errands, cleaning, and hanging with my boys, I decided to have some shots. Started off harmless, a little kick in the pants on a snowy day, then my mind began to wonder, get the best of me and the thoughts flowing. I had had a disagreement with my boyfriend, My ex husband was being an ass and for some reason wanted to make a serious situation miserable by responding with nonsense instead of communicating with me like an adult. The weight of the world suddenly got me.

It started of innocent, it started by me reaching out to my niece, asking why she stopped talking to me since my divorce from her uncle. I was informed that it was inappropriate to even be talking to me. I was still the mother of her cousins, but she would not longer be speaking to me. I was crushed, I was there the day she was born, I was there to watch her grow up and tried to stay in contact after she moved away and even tried to communicate after my divorce. I guess i was baffled as to why suddenly after 17 years, I was no longer family. I knew the rest of the family had written me off and quite frankly became quite cold to me, but for some reason, i felt i was an aunt for life. It was a hard blow but i respect her stance and stated i would leave her alone. From there, the emotions got the best of me. I cried, i mourned the loss of yet another family member but this one was still living. From there i sent my ex father in law a message stating that i would appreciate it if he would respect the request from my ex husband that i have no contact with his parents and not make it more challenging and to stop trying to speak to me when he saw me. There was no response so i can only assume he got the message. I cried myself to sleep that night, confused and heart broken that people could be so cold and “family” was just a word used when you were in the “in”.

The next morning, still infected with the flu that consumed my weekend and the beginning of the week, i took the day off to get my head out of my ass. My boyfriend came over, we talked, got some things out of the way and started our journey to healing our disagreement. I haven’t had a drink since. I had my pity party then realized, this cycle had to change. I can’t control how they feel, I could only control how i reacted and well, the night before, it was a fail. Today however, it was a new day. I took a shower, cleaned myself up and started my journey of “unf*cking” myself. Changing my train of thought. Realizing what i was willing and unwilling to live with and choosing to change my “poor me” attitude and realizing what i had in front of me. I had my two boys, I had a roof over my head that i pay for, two jobs that I provide a stable home for my two boys, I had a boyfriend that was supportive and kind and deserved a better relationship then what he was being given. I was projecting my past onto him and that was unfair. I had to change and appreciate what was and not what i was wishing for. Yes, it is okay to dream, it is okay to have goals but when we live in the past and want a bigger future, we have to let it go and focus on fact and move forward. No big dreamer looked back on the past while moving forward to the future.

Today is one week without a drink. I feel amazing already, clear headed and stronger each and every day. I got myself some reading materials to help me along my new journey and I am aware that this journey is just beginning and I know that some days will be VERY challenging but i also know that I am done living a hamster wheel life and allowing others opinions and others thoughts to run how i live and how i enjoy life. My ex, being rude to me is just his choice and behavior and all i can do is act how I need to act. Even when my mind wants to be hateful and angry with the names he calls me and the nonsense answers when i try to speak to him or when he waves his hand in my face when i try to talk to him. I will respond and not react and then he has nothing and in the end he will be held accountable for his behavior and I will be held accountable for mine. He will be powerless in my life and I will be free of his clutches. It will be amazing and a win for my new life and my future self. My children will get to see a mom who is holding up her dignity and no longer turning to the bottle when her feelings are hurt but instead a strong women who faces lives challenges and still enjoys the waves. Today is Day 7 and I am grateful. Day 7 of my journey of “unf*cking myself”.

New Beginnings

2019 NEW YEARS DAY

So after 15 years of marriage and 2 years of being divorced, I met someone that has changed my life. He came into my life unexpectedly. Friend on facebook, apparently also a dating site lol. He shook my world. He is loving and kind and thoughtful and so much more then i ever expected. We explore, laugh, love, teach and encourage each other each day. I am grateful for him and all he has to offer my life and my boys lives. SO BLESSED..

After my divorce, I tried the dating scene and discovered after 17 years of being with the same man, wow, things had changed. The rules of dating had changed drastically. You no longer meet a guy through a connection or friend, now its done on line so like all other single people i turned to the dating websites. It was a nightmare!! Don’t get me wrong, i met some pretty amazing people on those sites and most of them i remained friends with. Unfortunately, it was all me and not all them that didn’t work. I would go on many dates, dinners, movies, hiking, walks, pool, etc.. It was nice to have someone else around when i didn’t have my boys. Good conversation and laugher. I was able to do things and try things that i hadn’t since being married. It was awesome. I even joined an adult volleyball league and softball league. I was enjoying life for the first time in a long time. But even with all the fun, i was missing something, nothing seemed to fit right for me. My ex would make life very challenging for me and it seemed easier to just remain single and occasionally go on a date.

I had sworn off dating when I met him. He sent me a message on facebook, making the line of “You look familiar” Yup he used that line and i immediately responded “I have no idea who you are, pretty sure we’ve never met” Somehow, we continued to chat and did for a few days before i agreed to finally meet him. We went to coffee.. We both were working overnights, his normal shift and my first time covering for inventory so coffee seemed the right thing to do.. We met and immediately i was like “oh crap”. There was something about him that caught me and i was in hook, line and sinker. We began our dating life camping, fishing and jeeping. It then progressed to hiking new mountains and traveling, relaxing and exploring new areas in the great state of Maine. I was at ease and at peace the moment we met. He enjoyed life and living as much as i did and it was refreshing.

He helped me to realize that not all relationships have to be difficult. He made it easy. He showed me that i was in fact lovable and deserved to be treated well and supported. It was amazing and we truly enjoyed each others company. He stuck around even after the crap i have to deal with on a daily in regards to coparenting with a narcissist. He wasn’t afraid of my being a single full time mom of teenagers and instead, welcomed the challenge and joined in the chaos. It was refreshing. But even with it being so wonderful, I self sabotaged it and still continue to struggle. For many years i blamed my drinking on my ex and dealing with the stress of life, it was my coping skill. I quit drinking and suddenly, I found myself drinking again. It started as an occasional and slowly crept to daily. I don’t drink to get drunk, literally it is just to have a drink. Like oh its almost bed, time for a glass of wine, oh its the weekend, time for a few shots of fireball. This behavior was ignored for a while. Just seemed the thing to do.. Now, it is a daily struggle to go a day without a drink. It was such a norm for me.

I am starting my journey to sobriety again. It is a new beginning to a new chapter DAY 1 again and again.. I will conquer this, and this time, i have the support i need to help me succeed. I have the ability to walk away from the drama of my ex where before i was afraid to do it. I realized that i was still drinking to deal with life because i was allowing my ex to still control me and therefore i was controlling my emotions with alcohol. Now, the alcohol is in control and i don’t have the ability to handle both.

It is time that i take ownership of my choices. They are MY CHOICES, no one is putting the bottle to my mouth, its all me. Today is a great day for New Beginnings. “I can do all things through christ who strengthens me” -Philippians 4:8. Time to get back to the person God has intended me to be, to be the mom i was created to be and the women who is stronger then her demons when she stops trying to do it all on her own. Here is my journey. Here is Day 1.

Cool, only one week of hellish waiting

“your being referred to the cancer clinic”!  really?  What great news to hear on at 8 in the morning. (sarcasm) .  I instantly go to the “bad” side of the situation, not even giving a positive thought about the situation.  Automatically thinking “Oh my word, I have cancer”.  I wonder if that is the response for everyone who gets the news they are being referred?  I spoke with some friends, family and co workers.  Yup, your right, I was getting the word out, I wanted to be sure I was reacting properly.  Is this how I should be responding to the news?  I was unsure what the “right” response should be.  Regardless of what feed back I received, none of it was what I wanted to hear.  Everyone was rational, thoughtful and supportive but for some reason it was not enough.  I wanted more from people.  I wanted them to be honest with their thoughts and to listen to my fears coming out in my “attempt” to stay calm words.  I tried humor, I tried serious, I tried to just brush it off and nothing was working.  Then I received a call to say when the appointment would be.  I again presumed my notification process.  It was with one response that made my day.  All that I was seeking came to a head.  The response was this: “cool, only one week of hellish waiting for you”  That was it, what I was looking for, humor but the truth.  They weren’t trying to fix the situation and be rational, they were honest and sympathized with how I would be feeling the next week as I await the appointment to hear what will determine my next life move.

I have been in this situation before, four years ago.  At that time, I  cut my hair to prepare for the loss of hair, ready to face the day.  I went to my appointment to hear “Your clear, No cancer”  YEAHHHHH..  Talk about celebration.  My face hurt from smiling.  And boy did I celebrate.  That result did not come without a cost, I had had bone marrow testing,  I had under went an emergency surgery that removed several lymphoid s’ from my body.  three of the 5 lymph’s were containing cancerous cells.  It had just started.  but it was caught, removed and I was golden.  Now 4 years later, I don’t know.  I don’t know how I am feeling about it.  I want to crawl in a hole and ball my eyes out until I have no more tears.   One of the biggest reliefs was when my husband said to me “I would like to go to the appointment with you”.  With that short sentence, My nerves are calming, my mind is taking a break and I am at peace.    I am uncertain if I will remain calm or rational or at peace through out this time but I do know that I am not alone, I have friends and family that love me and will support me during this time.  I will do my best to think of the positive, keep my head held high and chin up and Pray.  LOT and LOTS of Praying.  I have a verse that I repeat frequently ” I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me” Philippians 4:13.  This is and always be my favorite verse.  This verse has gotten me through many of trials and tribulations and it will continue to do so.  I will hold this verse as I go through my week of hell.

Sometimes life throws you lemons

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me Phillipians 4:13.

Yup, this is my verse.  It has helped me through so much.  In my weakest of days, deepest of despairs, this is the verse that helped me out of my pit.  I pass this verse on to many of people when they are discouraged, feeling defeated, and just lost for what they should be doing.  Most recently, I have been sought out for direction.  I pass on this verse but at the same time I use this verse.  I hope and pray that God gives me the strength to be that good example, that he speaks for me cause I know that at times what I want to say and what I do say are two very different things.  I had a conversation with my mother the other day.  She was down, discouraged and feeling very defeated.  And maybe she still is, I don’t know.  She is at the point of caring for her mother, My grandmother.  I don’t see my gram very often and when I do, she is usually upbeat and happy to see me.  This past visit, she was quiet, depressed and disconnected.  So in return being a little stinker to my mother.  My gram just recently turned 88 years old.  The state just revoked her license to drive.  My gram who is a strong-willed, stubborn women has now lost her independence that she once had had.  She never really went far, just up to town, but still it was her option to get in the car and drive, and now she can’t so in return, she is broken.  She is lashing out at her loved ones.   In my opinion,  gram is not purposely being spiteful, hateful, rude because she ‘wants’ to but because she is angry, depressed and discouraged.  I can only imagine what she is feeling.  I know for myself, I would have a very hard time depending on someone to care for me, for me to be their “burden”  I would know deep down that I needed them but at the same time, I would be a defiant turd to show that I still have my fight, I still have my determination.  I wouldn’t do it because I didn’t love them but because I did love them and would feel guilty that they are “stuck” caring for me.  I am not a good patient just for the record.  I can’t help but think that in some way that is what my gram is going through feeling like a burden to my mother so in return, she will push my mother away.  Does it make it okay?  NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.  There is no excuse big enough to treat people poorly but at the same time having the understanding and compassion for their situation helps to lessen the sting of the hurtful words and actions.  As the old saying goes, “you take it out on the ones you love”  and right now, my mom is loved too much.    I feel that it is my job as the daughter, grand-daughter to just be a support for them both.  Be there to help them out in the way that God has graced me.  Will it be enough?  I don’t know the answer to that.  I know that i will do my part to be a sounding board, to be a listening ear and to provide alternatives for a better life for them both.  I know from experience that when you are faced with a challenging situation, that what you don’t need is someone standing behind you critiquing your every move, being more of a discourager. You need someone who can be objective, provide alternatives, support, encourager.  Sometimes, Life throws you lemons, you can either eat them and be sour or you can make lemonade and enjoy the drink.  It’s up to you what you choose to do in the situations, know that you have a God in heaven that loves you and is there to help you out, provide the right people at the right time.  Dont allow your mind to be jaded as God’s words are not confusing, he is clear and concise.  If you are confused as to what to do, keep praying, keep yourself clear of deception, open your heart and your mind to the possibilities of relief in his name. John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Weekend With Daddy

So this weekend has come to a close and with such joy and hope in my heart.  I was able to be the daughter that I have not been able to be in some time.  Living so far away and seeing my family infrequently at times has really taken its toll on my mind and heart.  This weekend I was determined to get done and be all that I could be for my family.  I began the adventure with Hugs that lasted forever.  Then off to bed we went as of course I was late getting a start at driving North.  Once the sun rose, I was up and ready to bring on the day.  Face it with a positive attitude and progress.  I went for my walk, jamming out to some Mercy Me and Seventh Day Slumber.  Did a mile and back to the home front I returned.  Just in time for my father to be up and out of bed.  Watching him move around and try to walk is for sure the hardest thing of all to watch.  The man who was so strong, graceful and never-failing, was now stumbling, tripping and slow-moving as he approached his chair to put on his forever needed leg braces.  He plops himself down, and fights to lift his legs to put on the brace.  As a daughter watching this all take place my heart cries out to fix it.  To make him the strong man who had no aliments like so long ago.  We begin to chuckle as we talk about him turning 70 this year and my desire to have a 29th birthday party for him.  His face lights up and there we sit, “shooting the breeze” about the ailments of the other family members, memory loss, walkers, etc.  Not once mentioning that he himself was in the same predicament.  I love my strong-willed daddy.  After our coffee was done, I accompanied my dad out to the barn where we looked over and talked about the cows, fed and gave them some grain.  Then made our way around the yard talking about the blooming  cherry tree and plans he had for when they were ready.  As I walk along the grounds, i noticed some much-needed yard work that due to my fathers inability to get around well, had gone neglected.  The grass was long and in my mind “tripping’ hazards for my father.  I quickly regained my brain and mouth and walked away so that my father would not begin to trip and stumble in the long grass.  We walked over to the garage to peer at his new investment.  An automatic four-wheeler.  Yes folks, an ATV.   He was so proud and quickly asked if I would like to take it for a spin.  “of course” I exclaimed in sure excitement to find, my dad hopping on and telling me to get on the back.  Feeling like I was 5 again, I quickly climbed on and my daddy took me for a ride out to the fields.  Laughing and looking around and just surely enjoying the feeling of being a child again and not the one there to help care and clean up for my dad.  What a strange and emotional feeling when you realize that the times have changed.  When I left town many years ago, I left my father, self-sufficient, determined to do all that he could do my himself.  Independent.  And now, as we return, we giggle about how he is getting out of some of the old chores he used to do.   My dad is weaker every time i see him, he stated that the numbness in his legs is slowly creeping more and more and feeling is being lost more in his legs.  What a realization the I am so many miles away, leaving the assistance of my dad to my brothers and sisters to attend to.  While I am away living my life to what ever degree I chose to live, they are there, helping with hay, farming, yard work, wood, transportation, etc.  What a feeling it is to know that you can never be able to do enough, never be able to give back to them all that they gave to you. You rely on what graces God has given you and the teachings that he has given you, lessons, hard and soft that were taught and learned.  Over the weekend, I helped with wallpapering the kitchen, which for the record I have not done in years, Cleaned up some of the yard.  My husband did some weed whacking, painting and haying.  But at the end of the visit, my humble father stated “we got a lot accomplished this weekend.  Most importantly, we were able to get your van inspected”  My heart dropped to my feet.  After all that we had done to help him out and get things going for him the only thing he was happy about was being able to help me out.  Guess somethings never change after all.  Regardless of how old we get, our parents look out and want the best for their children.  He didn’t care that we did for him.  He was blessed because he was able to do for me and my family. So I say.  Thank you God for my Daddy and Thank you to my Daddy who loves me unconditionally.  You are a blessing.  I LOVE YOU……

Just thinking.

So I saw a friend of mine who had a blog. I thought, well what the heck. I can do this.. LOL I may be a challenge but it will work. It will help, process, evaluate, get and give some feedback that maybe normally we wouldn’t have an opportunity to get or receive. So here is my first attempt. My goal of this blog is to be real. REAL issues that are being faced, suggestions to be made and some encouragement along the way. Wish me luck and I hope you can stay along for the ride. Please feel free to give some advice, feedback and suggestions. Always welcomed. HOpe you enjoy…