Just a change in mind frame can make the biggest difference. Won’t be easy all the time but we all start somewhere. After having a raging fail of not drinking, I woke up, had my pity party and put on my big girl panties. It was time to make a change and time to get my act together. Realizing that i was drinking the poison and expecting everyone else to feel the pain. Not the case, I was suffering, I was the one sad, depressed, and a little hung over.
After a snow day, a day of relaxing, errands, cleaning, and hanging with my boys, I decided to have some shots. Started off harmless, a little kick in the pants on a snowy day, then my mind began to wonder, get the best of me and the thoughts flowing. I had had a disagreement with my boyfriend, My ex husband was being an ass and for some reason wanted to make a serious situation miserable by responding with nonsense instead of communicating with me like an adult. The weight of the world suddenly got me.
It started of innocent, it started by me reaching out to my niece, asking why she stopped talking to me since my divorce from her uncle. I was informed that it was inappropriate to even be talking to me. I was still the mother of her cousins, but she would not longer be speaking to me. I was crushed, I was there the day she was born, I was there to watch her grow up and tried to stay in contact after she moved away and even tried to communicate after my divorce. I guess i was baffled as to why suddenly after 17 years, I was no longer family. I knew the rest of the family had written me off and quite frankly became quite cold to me, but for some reason, i felt i was an aunt for life. It was a hard blow but i respect her stance and stated i would leave her alone. From there, the emotions got the best of me. I cried, i mourned the loss of yet another family member but this one was still living. From there i sent my ex father in law a message stating that i would appreciate it if he would respect the request from my ex husband that i have no contact with his parents and not make it more challenging and to stop trying to speak to me when he saw me. There was no response so i can only assume he got the message. I cried myself to sleep that night, confused and heart broken that people could be so cold and “family” was just a word used when you were in the “in”.
The next morning, still infected with the flu that consumed my weekend and the beginning of the week, i took the day off to get my head out of my ass. My boyfriend came over, we talked, got some things out of the way and started our journey to healing our disagreement. I haven’t had a drink since. I had my pity party then realized, this cycle had to change. I can’t control how they feel, I could only control how i reacted and well, the night before, it was a fail. Today however, it was a new day. I took a shower, cleaned myself up and started my journey of “unf*cking” myself. Changing my train of thought. Realizing what i was willing and unwilling to live with and choosing to change my “poor me” attitude and realizing what i had in front of me. I had my two boys, I had a roof over my head that i pay for, two jobs that I provide a stable home for my two boys, I had a boyfriend that was supportive and kind and deserved a better relationship then what he was being given. I was projecting my past onto him and that was unfair. I had to change and appreciate what was and not what i was wishing for. Yes, it is okay to dream, it is okay to have goals but when we live in the past and want a bigger future, we have to let it go and focus on fact and move forward. No big dreamer looked back on the past while moving forward to the future.
Today is one week without a drink. I feel amazing already, clear headed and stronger each and every day. I got myself some reading materials to help me along my new journey and I am aware that this journey is just beginning and I know that some days will be VERY challenging but i also know that I am done living a hamster wheel life and allowing others opinions and others thoughts to run how i live and how i enjoy life. My ex, being rude to me is just his choice and behavior and all i can do is act how I need to act. Even when my mind wants to be hateful and angry with the names he calls me and the nonsense answers when i try to speak to him or when he waves his hand in my face when i try to talk to him. I will respond and not react and then he has nothing and in the end he will be held accountable for his behavior and I will be held accountable for mine. He will be powerless in my life and I will be free of his clutches. It will be amazing and a win for my new life and my future self. My children will get to see a mom who is holding up her dignity and no longer turning to the bottle when her feelings are hurt but instead a strong women who faces lives challenges and still enjoys the waves. Today is Day 7 and I am grateful. Day 7 of my journey of “unf*cking myself”.